Assumptions that Continue to Influence Self-Confidence

In response to external influences, people develop assumptions; some of these are constructive and some are harmful. Several assumptions that can interfere with self-confidence and alternative ways of thinking are:
Assumption: “I must always have love or approval from every significant person in my life.”
Alternative: This is a perfectionistic, unattainable goal. It is more realistic and desirable to develop personal standards and values that are not completely dependent on the approval of others.
Assumption: “I must be thoroughly competent, adequate, and achieving in all important areas of my life.”
Alternative: This again is a perfectionistic, unattainable goal and suggests that personal worth is determined by achievement. Achievement can be satisfying but does not make you more worthy. Instead, worth is an inherent quality and all people possess it.
Assumption: “My past remains all important and control my feelings and behaviors in the present.”
Alternative: While it is true that your confidence was especially vulnerable to external influences during your childhood, as you grow older you can gain awareness and perspective on what those influences have been. In doing so, you can choose which influences you will continue to allow to have an effect on your life. You don’t have to be helpless in the face of past events.

Strategies for Developing Confidence

• Emphasize Strengths. Give yourself credit for everything you try. By focusing on what you can do, you applaud yourself for efforts rather than emphasizing end products. Starting from a base of what you should do helps you live within the bounds of your inevitable limitations.
• Take Risks. Approach new experiences as opportunities to learn rather than occasions to win or lose. Doing so opens you up to new possibilities and can increase your sense of self-acceptance. Not doing so turns every possibility into an opportunity for failure, and inhibits personal growth.
• Use Self-Talk. Use self-talk as an opportunity to counter harmful assumptions. Then, tell yourself to &quotstop” and substitute more reasonable assumptions. For example, when you catch yourself expecting perfection, remind yourself that you can’t do everything perfectly, that it’s only possible to try to do things and to try to do them well. This allows you to accept yourself while still striving to improve.
• Self-Evaluate. Learn to evaluate yourself independently. Doing so allows you to avoid the constant sense of turmoil that comes from relying exclusively on the opinions of others. Focusing internally on how you feel about your own behavior, work, etc. will give you a stronger sense of self and will prevent you from giving your personal power away to others.

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